aryas_zehral: Close crop of Chiana's mouth, slightly open as if worried/breathless (teen wolf: lydia scared trapped)
I did something possibly unwise. I looked up my dept from when I was doing the PhD that wasn't (as in, that I never finished) and ended up looking at the people from my cohort who are now a. Drs and b. actually working in the field/universities. There's one in New Zealand and one on Ireland and one in California and on in South Africa and a heap working here in Scotland and... I should be pleased for them, they did the work, but really I just feel sad and defeated for me. At me. About me. About all those dreams I just never did. I feel old. I'm really not. But I feel it anyway.

Work has been stressful the last couple of weeks. I am one of two administrators and the other girl was off for two weeks with stress. It was going to be one day. Then a couple of days. Then a week. Then just a couple more days. Then two weeks. She's back now but I feel... ragged. I feel... hemmed in and there's too much to do and too much of a backlog and I can't quite get to grips with it. I'm past my probation though so - yey! - permanent job. I'm debating asking for Friday off just because I could do with some time to myself but I've social things on on Friday, Saturday and Sunday so I'm not sure that it would work out. I'm just so tired. And yet I slept a full eight hours yesterday and I was still totally shattered.

I need to work out how to get energy. Where does energy come from? I feel if I could get energy I could start cracking on fixing things. I would eat better because I would have the energy to prepare better meals. I would be able to see more people because I wouldn't beg off tired. My brain would work and I could write stories and do crafts and make toys for Mr Long Legged (my sister's baby apparently looks like he has long legs on the ultrasound). I could just do more, if I had more energy. Any idea how you go about developing energy?

aryas_zehral: Close crop of Chiana's mouth, slightly open as if worried/breathless (Default)
And now I feel kinda stoned. Lol. Only seven hours of my shift left. On plus, stopped shaking and can see again now
aryas_zehral: Hermione holding a book looking at Ron and Harry in the library, over the top are the words "I, I must consult my books" (HP - Consult My Books)
Lol. I suck at subject lines.

1. Work are trying to put me on outbound. Which sucks. Esp since the only reason I agreed to look at call center jobs was so long as they were inbound only. I don't mind talking to people. I don't even mind being yelled at, called a robot, called sweetheart, told I'm useless, talked over, patronised, etc, so long as the person called me and is actually seeking a resolution to the problem (be that by cancelling or by letting me help them if I can). I do mind calling people who have already left to ask them why they left and try and make them come back. I've done outbound before (in a previous job). It was my worst job ever and it made me very very ill. Although the hideous lighting may have had a part in that. However, I'm off for eleven days (in a row!!) so that's enough of that. :D

2. One of my cousin's is getting married on Saturday so I am heading down there with my Mum and my Gran for it. I am not yet packed and I'm supposed to be leaving tomorrow. Whoops.

3. I haven't heard back from any of the universities about either what paperwork I have to do to leave or whether I've got a place (or even any more interviews) on a teaching course. So that's fun. I'm not sure I mind to be honest. I feel like I've lurched from "do PhD" to "do MPhil" to "do teaching" without really taking a break in the middle.

4. Not helped of course by the fact that my Mother keeps telling me that I'm better than my job suggests and that I need to find another job like "now, do it now, now, now now now, your life would just magically be better immediately and you would be fulfilled and happy if only you had another job right now like immediately like why aren't you getting on with it already don't you want to be happy?" When I just want to sit in the corner, lick my wounds, knit random tat, work out what I actually do want and go to work and not have to worry and stress and constantly be trying to get on with something when I'm not sure what the something I want to get on with is. If that sentence even made sense. I feel like I can't settle on a direction because all I get is that its not enough of a direction and even if I did get another job with more money and better hours I'd then have "lose weight, omg lose weight, like now, don't you want babies, if you want babies then you need to lose weight, like now, omg why aren't you losing weight, don't you want to be happy?" and then I'd have "sort out your house, find a new house, omg if you had less stuff - why is there so much random fandom stuff omg - then you'd be free and you could get organised and you won't be happy until you're organised and omg don't you want to be happy?" and then there would be "you need a man, men are nice, not all men are like that guy you used to be with, or that other one, or that other man in your past, or your dad, or the guys at work. you need to be with someone, share your life, you can't possibly be happy, you need a partner, don't you want to be happy? have you considered a woman?" or... you get the idea. I just feel like its never enough and there's so many things I should be doing that I can't even do the things I am doing well. I mean I'm not happy but, you know what, I'm not miserable and I've been miserable. I can get out of bed and function in social settings. Sometimes that's enough for me.

5. I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Sunlight will wake me at 5am (again) so I'm starting to get used to going to bed (relatively) early (for me) (like midnight instead of two). Even though it will wake me I won't go up, I'll just hide my head for a couple of hours. I should make a list of things that I have to do tomorrow so when I get up I can go straight to productive. :D
aryas_zehral: Abed from Community during the first Paintball episode looking over at the camera with awesome goggles on. (Community: Abed Paintball)
So I've been kind of quiet. TBH it has not really been helped by the fact that I was working six out of the last seven days, that they were all late ending shifts (20.00, 22.30, 21.30) and by the time I got home it was at least an hour later than that, on Sunday it was an hour and a half later than that and by the time I got home it was after eleven) so I've been kind of too tired when I got home. Also, my tv on demand service through my cable company has S1 of Community on it so I've been watching that. And I've gone off the game on Facebook that was driving my "must log on, must check on my Castle" thing. Cos I'm weird like that. So, yeah, not been about.

On the other hand, I have managed to sit and read an entire book over night Sun-Mon even though on Mon totally knackered at work. The book was Partials by Dan Wells. YA Post-apocalypse story. Actually didn't find myself annoyed at the female protagonist as she repeatedly got saved by menfolk- mainly cos she was the one deciding that things needed to be done, and then recruiting, and then getting things done and getting into trouble. She very much was driving what was happenning rather than getting sucked up into something she had no control over. Also there was enough details about how people were eeking out a living in the brand new world and the science behind the plague that decimated humantity before the start of the book didn't jump out at me as unlikely. However the main character was supposed to be 16 and, even accounting for having to grow up pretty quick, in places I really didn't believe it. It felt like the author thought- or initially conceived of her- as older. As well as that the "twist" about two thirds of the book through sort of made me go "called it" because I had, like a couple of hundred pages earlier, but that happens all the time and it does leave the door open for further stories even if those stories won't be for another year (the first book only just came out, the sequel has a 2013 expected date). Also, weirdly since its a book, I found myself thinking about writing fic for it. :)

So, yeah, been away. Back now for a bit trying to catch up. How have you been? Has everything been ok? What have I missed?
aryas_zehral: Close crop of Chiana's mouth, slightly open as if worried/breathless (Default)
In my hair. I was on the phone at work and looked down and there was a frickin spider in my hair.

It'd gone now but I feel all itchy. Gah!


Mar. 21st, 2012 10:51 pm
aryas_zehral: Close crop of Chiana's mouth, slightly open as if worried/breathless (rhps: misery)
About midday today I thought about going to work tomorrow.... And I've been miserable ever since. That's the equivalent of spending all day Sunday miserable about Monday. I don't remember this in my previous jobs (except maybe my last call center job). In fact with my teaching I was positively gleeful the day before. I hate my job. I hate having to push products on people who are already having financial difficulty.
aryas_zehral: Close crop of Chiana's mouth, slightly open as if worried/breathless (sgu - sharon/camille heartbreak)
Work is dull. That is all.


How are you today?


aryas_zehral: Close crop of Chiana's mouth, slightly open as if worried/breathless (Default)

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